The first item for The Pit is from a friend who used to live in a West Cumbrian town called Maryport, a place which has had a reputation in the past for being a bit rough. It is getting better now and quite a bit of investment has been put into Maryport to make it more attractive for people to visit. If you are ever there, please check out the Maryport Aquaria place. It’s kinda like Sea Life or Sea World only a bit smaller, but very good and I can personally recommend it to you for a great day out. That said, what follows is a nostalgic look at Maryport's more “entertaining” past and the references made refer to certain areas of the town. One last point, the guy who gave my mate this still lives in Maryport, so don’t blame me!
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice for the venue of the games in 2008, the organisers of Maryport’s bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.
A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Ewanrigg area), wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. The flame will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
In previous Olympic games, West Cumbria’s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
Sprint competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
As above but with added obstacles e.g. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, mash, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the allotted time.
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in five minutes.
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, the competitors will aim at a post clerk, bank teller or a wages delivery guard.
Entry to this event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennants while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will them commence.
Competitors will be asked to break into the school bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
As above but the bike will be owned by a member of the visiting Australian rugby team who will witness the theft.
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.
Competitors will be thrown off the Docks into the Irish Sea and the first three survivors back will determine the medals.
Unfortunately this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Maryport.
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Maryport Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, music from the Netherhall reggae band and synchronised brick throwing. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all of the copper piping and the central heating boiler.