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ONE DROP WILL KILL A HORSE
When Daddy got sick the doctor called and said, "It's nothing to worry about, just a touch of the flu, but I'd suggest you stop smoking. You've a slight heart murmur."
After he was gone Mommy said, "It's so silly to make yourself sick by smoking those awful cigarettes. You're still a young man, but your heart's wheezing."
"You're exaggerating," Daddy said. "There's no wheezing at all. It's just a very small murmur. That doesn't count."
"Yes, it does! Naturally, you'd be happier if you had a great crashing and clanging. I know you."
"At any rate, I don't need a droning," Daddy interrupted.
"I'm not droning. But smoking is harmful. I'm sure you know that one drop of nicotine will kill a horse."
Now that was something! I looked at Daddy. He was a big man,
no doubt about it, but still, he was smaller than a horse. He was bigger than Mommy and me, but no matter which way you looked at it, he was smaller than a horse, and even smaller than the scrawniest cow. A cow'd never fit on our couch, but Daddy could, with room to spare. I was scared. I didn't want him to be killed by a drop of nicotine. Never. Just thinking about it kept me awake. I couldn't fall asleep for so long that I didn't notice when I finally did drop off.
Daddy was fine again by Saturday, and we had company: Uncle Yura and Aunt Katya, Boris Mikhailovich and Aunt Tamara. They all were very polite. As soon as Aunt Tamara came in she began chattering and twittering. She sat beside Daddy when we had tea and kept fussing over him, asking him whether he was comfortable enough and wasn't he sitting in a draft, and finally fussed so much that she dumped three spoons of sugar in his tea without noticing what she was doing. Daddy took a sip and made a face."I added sugar to his tea," Mommy said and her eyes got as green as gooseberries. Aunt Tamara began laughing loudly. She laughed so you'd think someone was snapping at her heels under the table. Daddy pushed his cup of sugary tea aside. Then Aunt Tamara took a very slim cigarette case from her purse and gave it to Daddy, saying, "This is to make up for your ruined tea. Every time you light a cigarette you'll recall this funny happening and the culprit."
I was boiling mad. Why was she reminding Daddy about smoking? He'd nearly stopped while he was sick. After all, one drop of cigarette poison could kill a horse! And there she was, making him smoke again. So I said,
"You're a stupid fool, Aunt Tamara! I hope you drop dead! Get out of our house! Don't you ever set your fat foot in my house again!" Naturally, I had to say all this to myself, so that no one heard me.
Daddy was holding the cigarette case. "Thank you, Tamara. I'm very touched. But I smoke long cigarettes and they won't fit into this little case. I smoke Kazbek. However..."
Daddy looked at me. "Instead of drinking so much tea before bedtime, Dennis, go get me the box of Kazbek in my desk drawer. Take the scissors and cut off some of the rolled cardboard holders so they'll fit into the cigarette case."
I went over to his desk, found the box of cigarettes and the scissors, held a cigarette up to the case for size and shortened them. Then I filled the case and took it to him.
Daddy opened it, looked at my work, then at me and burst out laughing. "Look at what my smart boy has done," he said.
Everyone reached for the case. They all began to laugh. Naturally, Aunt Tamara tried the hardest. She wasn't really laughing, she was grunting and snorting, so that first the tea dribbled down out of her mouth and then half a pastry, two candies and her front tooth. But she snatched it up and stuck it back in again, as if nothing had happened. Then she stopped laughing, crooked her fingers and rapped her knuckels on my head, saying, "How'd you ever think of leaving the empty holders and cutting off most of the tobacco? It's the tobacco that people smoke, and you've gone and cut it all off! What d'you have in your head, sawdust?"
"Your head's full of sawdust, dope Tamara!" I said, though, naturally, I said it to myself, because Mommy'd have scolded me otherwise. Even so, there was a funny look in Mommy's eye as she stared at me.
"Come over here," Mommy said and tilted up my chin. "Look at me."
I looked at her and felt my cheeks getting red.
"Did you do it on purpose?"
I couldn't fool her. "Yes."
"Then you'd better leave the room," Daddy said, "if somebotly I know doesn't want to get a spanking." I could see he hadn't understood a thing, but I didn't bother to
explain. I simply left the room. Imagine: one drop will kill a horse!